Monday, February 7, 2011

Is love and marriage illusions?

Love, the illusive true love. We are raised with the idea we grow up,
fall in love, get married have a family and grow old together. And
yet, I see so few examples of this. Today I see marriages between two
people who hope to change the other. Both thinking little or no
effort needs to be put in. I see the names wife and husband being
permission to treat the other with such disrespect. Where is the
love? Where is the respect? Where is the friendship?
Way back when, such as the 50's women and men had very defined rolls,
both respecting the other. Sure there was still abuse and many other
problems but people made it work, really because they had no other
choice. The reality was each needed the other to live. Alone they
could not make it work. Many got married out of convenience but still
were able to develop a relationship, if only a friendship, inspite of
the presence of love.
But what is love? Love should be unconditional, right? Can you think
of one single person you love just the way they are? Just one... all
I need is one, one person you wouldn't change at all. Not easy to
find one is it? However, look at the way you see your friends. Notice
how we are able to accept our friends? We take our time finding a
friend who will be a best friend. Not just anyone gets this privilege
and we hold our standards high. So what if we did the same for our
boyfriends/girlfriends who we hope to have as our husbands/wives?
What if friendship trumped love? What if we found our very very best
friend? What if we looked for someone we laughed with, trusted, cried
with, could talk to and just hang out and do nothing with? Would that
be enough for you? Would it be okay not to have drama? Would it be
okay not to have crazy fireworks that fizzled out? Would it be okay
to have a feeling lasting decades rather than months?
So here we are, year 2011 as we still live thinking we are in the
50's. So let's try and drop the rolls, and look for our best
friends. It is true we don't need a partner to live nor raise
children in today's society. Marriage is something to be respected if
you are going to choose to enter it. This is a bound agreement and if
you are not religious, why do it?
We still get married in this society because this society (in the US
and Canada) is still a Christian based culture whether we like it or
not. If our relationship is common law many people in this society,
and our families do not respect the union. We could have trouble
seeing our partners if they are injured in the hospital as we won't be
respected as family. It is truly sad you know, so many conform to
give society the visual clues to show the other person is the one I
respect and love.
Now in the other corner, we still have many many women and men who
want their big day. Thousands of dollars spent on a day between two
people who often don't have the tools, let alone the friendship to
sustain a life long contract of marriage. Now I am not saying to not
have a wedding day, but remember what it is for. It is two people
saying I am going to do my best to be there for you (and me) for the
rest of our lives. Do we really get that? Trust me people, I have
been married three times, everytime ready to give it my all but I will
tell you, marriage is not easy when only one is wanting to give it all
and the other thinks it will just all work itself out.
Friendship is the key. You must be honest about what you are looking
for. Really honest. Pheromones don't translate into a lifetime.
There is nothing to fight about if you have two adults in the
relationship. No problem is to huge if you have two adults in the
relationship. Kids throw down and fight to be right, trying to prove
the other wrong. We are not in the playground, we are trying to form
life long relationships.
I honestly believe love is not enough, unconditional love would be but
we human beings seem to place conditions on the love we give. I loved
my ex's and I still do but this love did not stop their behavior nor
did it bring solutions to keep the marriage alive. However, the love
I had for me aided me to learn how to CHOOSE another.
I feel more time should be spent on loving you and then in choosing
the one you are going to spend life with. Don't choose someone out of
the fear of ending up alone. Choose someone you love to be around,
who brings out the best in you. Looks are fleeting and one day they
will be gone. However, the feeling the other person gives you will
never leave.
As I have told so many people, men and women, make your list. Take
your time and think about how you would like to have your person make
you feel. Each day when you wake up, happy to see their face, excited
to see them every night, knowing they are feeling the same about you.
Feel yourself having no doubts, questions or fears. If you cannot do
this, then ask yourself and explain to yourself you are not ready for
a long term relationship and allow yourself to understand what you are
ready for. Then be honest with yourself and the others you choose to
Be honest about what you hear from the other person as well. IF they
tell you they are not ready, don't force it, they are not ready, and
if you push, you will lose them for you are pushing out of fear. I
will write more about relationships, and utube about them too. If you
have a topic you would like me to blog or utube about email me at
Take care and til soon, AuKeeRa

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