Monday, April 4, 2011

Grief ~ loss of friendships

The ones we have in our lives we don't want to lose and yet things change.  It seems we are in various stages of grief each day of our lives due to change.  

Loss of jobs, friends, relationships, pets, self definitions, even a hair cut (believe it or not) can put us into a stage of grief. Change brings loss, loss brings grief.

Recognize we all have grief and feeling it does not make you weak, nor will it swallow you whole taking you to a deep dark place.

Yes, the length of grief varies (and it should!) 

You got a bad haircut, you are grieving the loss of your hair (even due to age or illness) this grief should be mild and easily dealt with but you still get to feel the sadness, anger, sadness, then usually anger again with finally acceptance.

We lose friends, this is not always an easy one for then we go through more emotions, the point is though, we need to allow ourselves to feel what we are feeling.  If you need to analyze, then journal (sometimes even go through counseling) Many people feel the need to understand why things happened, but first of all we need to accept the fact the loss did occur.  Trying to figure out why the friendship or relationship ended will often just bring us confusion, giving us an excuse to dwell on thinking, 'it happened to us' creating a victim mentality.

Oh gosh AuKeeRa, but it did happen to me.  Yes, it happened in your life but it was not done 'to' you.  I know you will feel horrible, but you are not a victim even during extreme times of loss and this is what acknowledging your emotions will allow you to see.

You get to be angry.  No you don't get to confront the other person who you were in the relationship with to tell them why there are/were wrong (this may make you feel better but remember you are an adult) plus losing this person and their relationship from your life  (in the case of relationships) was a gift in some way to you. I know, you may not want to hear that but I know when we lose friends it is for a reason ~ either we have grown out of them and usually there is something we need to look in ourselves to attract the people we want in our lives.  However, you get to be angry, you can be sad, you get to feel what ever you need to feel, and while you are experiencing the emotions (yes you can even yell at the heaven's and your guides, they love you anyway!) trust you will move forward, no it may not be pretty nor feel perfect but this experience will move you to another experience.

When it comes to friends loss of one can hit very deep.  Sometimes we need to break up with friends but this is another way to look at things.

Through out our lives we grow, change, evolve along the way things fall away including people.  Our society teaches us to hold on, not change and then our ego furthers fear of change with the threat of us ending up alone.

We know, for fact, true friends will be there, in and out of your life but when you get together it will seem like no time has passed at all.

Sometimes it is frustrating for we no longer like or understand a friend but what is occurring is change and change is good.  Can you imagine if the exact same crowd of people stayed with us through life? It would seriously limit our experiences.

True, one or two people will stay with us through our lives, yes they will but as for the others, they will come and go.

How do I feel safe when there seems to be no consistency?  How do I convince myself it is going to be okay?

First you accept you don't get to control another person or their choices.

Second you ask yourself what you could do different next time (maybe this friendship or relationship is over but you can still use what you have learned.  This is not always easy for many of us wish to think we did not play a part in the falling out of a relationship at all, regardless you chose this person to be in your life, so maybe it is realizing to choose a different type of person to have)

Third, even if the friendship ends badly and you feel hurt, do not fight.  Realize you love the person, yes, no matter what.  Allow yourself to feel.  No don't go and confront them to tell them you are right and they are wrong, this is childish.  Rather, allow yourself to feel, yes, feel.  Feeling is what allows grief to dissipate.  If we try and put a lid on a pressurized container, one day that container will blow and it is not going to be pretty.  Not at all.  But if you poke a small hole in the bottom of the container before the pressure build then the pressure will never blow up.  Thus if you allow yourself to feel, and this means just acknowledging how you feel not acting it out.  Pressure does not build up.  Just saying to yourself, "I am allowed to feel this way" is enough.  Journaling also helps as it is a safe place to rant and complain.  Yes, tears and anger is a part of this but I promise you won't lose your mind, you will see your part, your gift ~ meaning what NOT to do next time (or what to do next time) and you will have respected the fact you are a thinking, feeling human being with an intact ego still loving drama.

It is no wonder why we do not wish to feel our emotions.  For some reason our society has decided human emotions make us weak when human emotions make us unique.  Animals do not carry this range of emotions, nor do plants, even though we would like them to they don't.  Thankfully they also have not been blessed with an ego.  We are human, perfect whole and complete.  No, you don't have to feel perfect to be perfect, really you just are perfect whether you like it or not even on the days you believe you are totally the opposite.

Our emotions make this human experience rich.  Society is wrong believing emotions cannot be felt, bring confusion or weakness.  In fact if human emotions are simply acknowledged when felt, not acted out or told to every other person, the emotions will empower our human existence to be more than we could have ever imagined.  Drama is what has been misconstrued as emotion, drama (victim mentality) is ego driven not emotion driven.  

Grief when taken over by drama loses focus and true emotion, victim mentality enters and we feel like we are stuck spinning our tires.  When we allow ourselves to acknowledge the pain of loss, not trying to fix it but just saying "yes, i feel this way" we move like a truck in four wheel drive moving slowly through deep muck while pulling a full, heavy load.  We may be moving slow but we are still moving.  

That in itself is the key to grief of any kind.....
Acknowledge your emotions ~ don't try and fix, act out or constantly feel the need to tell others and thus slow but sure you will move to the muck to dryer, firmer ground.  When it comes to extreme loss, firmer ground does not mean the end of loss, once we have lost a family member, we have lost them forever.  Please allow yourself to see the different levels of grief.  It is important.  There will always be another relationship whether it is a friendship, work relationship, or dating partner.  However there will only ever be one family, I will discuss more extreme grief as we go along.  Watch for a utube video on loss of family, and more blogs and vids to follow on pet loss, death, dying, and so on.  I have realized this is a very big and misconceived subject.

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